What to do at the Beach

1. Eat, read for a minute, take picture of book, eat, read for a minute, send picture of book to friend, glance at sea, eat, walk to sea, pee in sea, walk back to towel, post picture of book to social media feed as if to say “Hey, look at me! I read!,” eat more, sleep.
   
2. Lay towel flat on sand, sit on towel, eat grapes, get grain of sand on tooth, spit out grain, lie on towel, sit up, form bulge of sand under towel like a pillow, try lying down again with head on bulge, squirm and rearrange head, get asked to go swimming, say “maybe later,” stress about work, sit up, drink seltzer, drink beer, go home.
   
3. Sprint into ocean, see shark, sprint out of ocean, realize the “shark” was a person with a mohawk, stay on shore, shiver pitifully.
   
4. Eat bite of deli-fresh smoked turkey sandwich while smiling off into the horizon and marveling at the vast mystery of the sea, allow rest of deli-fresh sandwich to get kidnapped by seagull the second said sandwich is placed on napkin, express desire to go home, wait impatiently for everyone to pack up chairs and towels.
   
5. Go for a walk, walk too far and arrive at nudist section of beach, feel prudish for not taking off bikini, avoid eye contact at all costs, pretend not to notice the bevvy of floppy penises encroaching on peripheral vision, feign fascination with a hermit crab burrowing into the sand.
   
6. Pretend to enjoy big waves in order to impress friends, see big wave, gasp, run clumsily towards shore, don’t make it there, tumble over rocks as wave devours body and soul whole, lie hiccuping onshore as friends continue to glide effortlessly over the menacing waters.
   
7. Wear bathing suit, bring book, don’t swim, don’t read, just lie on towel and become  lobster-colored blob.
   

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